End of Week 18 Update =]
So I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not to have an ultrasound. At first it was because I was getting jealous of all the ladies in my birth due date groups, but that was a stupid reason so I ignored the feeling. Now! My reasoning for wanting to get an ultrasound, (JUST ONE), is more out of paranoia and worry, more than anything. Ok first my mom’s like, “You should at least go to a doctor once, just to make sure everything is alright.” Yeah, yeah mom, blah blah. In one ear and out the other. Then a few people gave birth at 17-20 weeks to dead babies. I know it happens, and I think I would handle it a lot better than most women, but it’s still scary, right? Then there was all the psychotic controversy over ultrasounds in my UC group, to the point where I actually had to leave the group because I’m more of a “People: go with your own flow, don’t let the MAN get you down, ya dig?” kind of person, and I found out that a lot of the “crunchy” or all about UC “trusting birth” women are just “Reverse Birthists” (copyright me, that’s my term for them, like Reverse Racists – spread it on and give me my credit, LOL). Soooo, me being the rebel that I am against any “Nazis”, the whole psycho anti-ultrasound woman-bashing that was going on has partly led to my decision of having an ultrasound done as well. BACKFIRE MUCH, BEE-OTCH? Then there is this: Jaypee Journals’ Article About the Assessment of Fetal Abnormalities Using 3D Ultrasound! SCARY SCARY STUFF! Yeah, I was Googling around for pictures of 18 week fetus pictures and some of the abnormality photos popped up with them. So I Click, and Read, and immediately look for free/cheap ultrasounds in my area. *facepalm moment* Yes, I have totally succumbed to the mainstream “scared into following what’s popular”. I mean besides having a messed up face, say a flat nose or cleft lip (Is that what those are called, when part of the lip is missing? My adopted sister’s son had one but it was an easy fix apparently -shrug-), there’s weird horn things out of the face, club feet and hands, missing limbs and thumbs… I mean you think of all the “normal” abnormalities, like Siamese twins (did this first happen in Thailand?), or a baby that was a twin but the twin merged with their body and now they have multiple limbs/organs from the absorbed twin. You just don’t think about all the other things, and even though we have like no risk for these things at all, it’s one of those things that being able to converse with people from all different places and cultures has caused us to have extra worry when it comes to something like childbirth or babies themselves. It’s a one in a million thing, you’d probably never hear of without the internet, but there it is, and that’s enough for it to be scary.
So I scheduled an ultrasound for next Tuesday, just to be able to see the baby and see that nothing is wrong.
O wants to find out the sex so we can go shopping, but I’m so afraid that it’s a girl that I really don’t want to. I had a dream last night that the baby was a girl and I woke up and promptly slapped him in the face (not hard), “for making a damn girl.” HAHA. I know I’ll love the baby whether it’s a boy or girl, but I don’t feel like I’m ready for a girl. Maybe the fact that I don’t feel ready for a girl is reason enough to find out, so I can “prepare” myself.
I mean it’s going to be traumatic, A BABY WITH NO PENIS! What am I going to do with a girl, besides wait for her to be a teenager so she can treat me like shit – while I’m dumbfounded at what to do and it seems impossible for me to be able to help her with any problems, that she won’t talk to me about anyways. (SERIOUSLY BAD FLASHBACKS FROM MY TEENAGE YEARS AND WHAT I PUT MY POOR MOTHER THROUGH – SORRY MOM!!!) Back to the not having a penis. Have you seen a baby with a vagina? It’s freaking weird, especially after you’ve been looking at a tiny penis for the last 4 years of your life. I saw a friend’s daughter get a diaper changed and almost had a heart attack because in place of her “peepee”, there was a poofy fat piece of skin with a slit at the bottom. At least I was traumatised that time from afar, because I tried to get over it myself by trying to change O’s alleged little sister’s diaper sometime last year. Are all girls wiggly and whiney when you try to change them? Plus you have to wipe in a certain direction, and wipe two different areas…. And all the women with girls that I’ve seen offline are always getting UTI’s and bladder infections. I mean even if they change the diapers every ten minutes they still get all these infections. What would I do, but panic? Or how girls are supposed to potty train faster than boys, but my best friend’s baby is 4 now and still in diapers and pull-up, nowhere near potty training it seems. I was potty trained at 18 months but what if my daughter takes a thousand years? Did I mention how the baby will hate me after she gets to be a certain age. Or how she’ll love O more than me because he’s her daddy? It’s much easier being the all-powerful and eternally loved Mommy-God! Which is how boys see their mommies. I don’t want to be Mommy-Demon.
Either way, I know I’ll love my baby (so they keep telling me, haha). So does it really make a difference whether I find out whether it’s a boy or girl? Whether to buy purple or green? Prepare for ballet or football? I like the idea of knowing what kind of name to pick, and not just having my mega-long lists of names for both sexes, because my hubby doesn’t like going over names anyways so as always I have to pick something on my own and just run it by the “yes/no” machine, which doesn’t matter anyways because I have the ultimate choice in the end.
*Sigh* I guess by next week I’ll have made a decision on both whether or not to keep my ultrasound appointment and whether or not I really want to know what kind of baby we’re going to have running around pretty soon. Plus, they say the risks the ultrasound causes goes down later in the pregnancy, so just by not having the initial 8-12 week ultrasound I have done better keeping my baby from having mental issues, tumors, and ADHD than most moms. 20 Minutes shouldn’t hurt too bad after most everything in the baby is formed right? It could be worse, we could live in Russia and get hit by pieces of meteors? Heh. 🙂
Week 19 is up next! And it will either HAVE or NOT HAVE a new picture to go with it to show off how wonderfully fertile I am.